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Coming of age

 As it is obvious from the other posts, I am having a very difficult time. During my last visit to the therapist I declared that I do not wish to become an adult, that I prefer to never grow up and always live happy and carefree, doing things that fill me with joy. Being an adult seemed so pointless and unpleasant. Why would I want to choose that? But as days are passing by I realise that it is impossible to always be happy and without worries. Also, as a child you must give the power to others to decide about your life and future. Not to mention that there will probably be no future if one does not learn how to be independent. To be honest, I am very scared of life and the potential pain it will bring. But as I look back on my past life there is a distinct pattern. Whenever I succeeded at something it was always the product of hard work and suffering. The year of the finals was hard and stressful, followed by a weird summer when I was the only one from my group not allowed to go o...
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To the people reading this

 I beg you, people who read my posts, don't be creepily silent. Please reveal yourselves in the comments. However pleasant it may be reading the comments of Dimitri and of course the charred broccoli it would be so much fun to see more people as well.
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Coming of age?

 I have decided to take a break from therapy. It may sound like a process that relieves someone's troubles and anxiety but it is actually really exhausting and takes a lot of effort. These last few days I felt like I was running a marathon without an end point. Despite the absence of the therapist I feel like I have more clarity now about what my problem is. Whoever has read or watched Little Women will surely remember Jo March. Jo watches her sisteres move on with their lives, Meg gets married, Amy goes to Europe with her aunt and Beth falls ill and dies. This makes her very frustrated. She wishes her family remained intact and that they all kept playing in the attic. She is the only one to be left behind at her parents house as she is tremendously aftraid of change. That-I think-we have in common. And the gift of writing I hope:) My biggest fear is that I will never grow up. I had my first chance two years ago when I moved abroad but I failed miserably. The grown up life dose I w...
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Still here with my negative thoughts

 It has been a long time since I wrote depressing things. I should probably catch up on that. Another night dwelling on another wasted day. Today, as I was studying a programming language, I got stuck on something very trivial and I wasted a lot of time trying to figure it out. Eventually I found out what was going on but it was all so exhausting. Moreover, the solution was so ridiculously obvious that I felt humiliated. Is my ability to think declining as I am getting older? Or have I always been so slow? And what is the point of trying to do better when there are limits to my abilities? Anyway,it is bedtime, time to turn off my stupid brain.
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Rain over a field

 About a week ago, I was on a football field enjoying a quarantine-approved run with another organism. Here I have to mention that the word "enjoy" is not very accurate. Actually, because I am horribly out of shape, running felt like torture and I quickly dropped out. Meanwhile, the other organism kept on sprinting. Once again, I felt defeated. How can some beings have so much will to live that they dedicate their effort to something as horrible as running? But the final blow came later when it started raining and we had to shield beneath a shed. I noticed that despite the rain, a young creature remained on the field, kicking a football joyfully. The little rascal...If only I could absorb all that energy, all that enthusiasm...This youngling will probably wake up in the morning and immediately jump our of bed ready to laugh and play. Instead, I will wake up exhausted thinking that I am about to experience Groundhog Day again. But enough self-loathing. It is time to go to bed....
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The procrastination saga continues

 Another day spent doing the bare minimum. The goals I had set for today were postponed yet again. By me,of course. This is so frustrating. I can't go on like this sabotaging myself. The truth is,not only am I regretting wasting my time on social media but losing my younger self as well. If I compare my way of thinking with that of five years ago,there is a notable shift from a carefree,brave and spontaneous person to a more reserved,careful and hesitant one. Every decision I make I later reject,filled with self-doubt and shame at my every thought. Even this text is now being written on a piece of paper full of smudged words. Even trying to articulate my own feelings seems like a difficult task,this is how much I am being slowed down by overthinking. Enough complaining,tomorrow will be different. This is a promise to the Pandemic journal,I will not let myself be defeated by my negative thoughts.
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How I am constantly letting myself down

 The purpose of these entries is to reflect on my thoughts and actions that lead me to see myself as a failure. Lately my motivation has plumeted and I am not as productive as one month ago. There are multiple reasons for that:the pandemic fatigue,the lack of quality time with my friends,the inability to focus on the matter in hand and my addiction to social media. If only I could snap out of it and eliminate the sluggishness and daily procrastination that is getting in the way of becoming a better version of  myself...I hate wasting all these days rotting in front of a computer or a smartphone,absorbing all kinds of meaningless content. I am in desperate need of something to save me from the circle of boredom and disappointment,something to motivate me and get my creative juices flowing.I hope the Pandemic journal is that something.
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