Pandemic journal

 As it is obvious from the other posts, I am having a very difficult time. During my last visit to the therapist I declared that I do not wish to become an adult, that I prefer to never grow up and always live happy and carefree, doing things that fill me with joy. Being an adult seemed so pointless and unpleasant. Why would I want to choose that? But as days are passing by I realise that it is impossible to always be happy and without worries. Also, as a child you must give the power to others to decide about your life and future. Not to mention that there will probably be no future if one does not learn how to be independent. To be honest, I am very scared of life and the potential pain it will bring. But as I look back on my past life there is a distinct pattern. Whenever I succeeded at something it was always the product of hard work and suffering. The year of the finals was hard and stressful, followed by a weird summer when I was the only one from my group not allowed to go o...

 I beg you, people who read my posts, don't be creepily silent. Please reveal yourselves in the comments. However pleasant it may be reading the comments of Dimitri and of course the charred broccoli it would be so much fun to see more people as well.

 I have decided to take a break from therapy. It may sound like a process that relieves someone's troubles and anxiety but it is actually really exhausting and takes a lot of effort. These last few days I felt like I was running a marathon without an end point. Despite the absence of the therapist I feel like I have more clarity now about what my problem is. Whoever has read or watched Little Women will surely remember Jo March. Jo watches her sisteres move on with their lives, Meg gets married, Amy goes to Europe with her aunt and Beth falls ill and dies. This makes her very frustrated. She wishes her family remained intact and that they all kept playing in the attic. She is the only one to be left behind at her parents house as she is tremendously aftraid of change. That-I think-we have in common. And the gift of writing I hope:) My biggest fear is that I will never grow up. I had my first chance two years ago when I moved abroad but I failed miserably. The grown up life dose I w...

 It has been a long time since I wrote depressing things. I should probably catch up on that. Another night dwelling on another wasted day. Today, as I was studying a programming language, I got stuck on something very trivial and I wasted a lot of time trying to figure it out. Eventually I found out what was going on but it was all so exhausting. Moreover, the solution was so ridiculously obvious that I felt humiliated. Is my ability to think declining as I am getting older? Or have I always been so slow? And what is the point of trying to do better when there are limits to my abilities? Anyway,it is bedtime, time to turn off my stupid brain.