Coming of age?
I have decided to take a break from therapy. It may sound like a process that relieves someone's troubles and anxiety but it is actually really exhausting and takes a lot of effort. These last few days I felt like I was running a marathon without an end point.
Despite the absence of the therapist I feel like I have more clarity now about what my problem is. Whoever has read or watched Little Women will surely remember Jo March. Jo watches her sisteres move on with their lives, Meg gets married, Amy goes to Europe with her aunt and Beth falls ill and dies. This makes her very frustrated. She wishes her family remained intact and that they all kept playing in the attic. She is the only one to be left behind at her parents house as she is tremendously aftraid of change. That-I think-we have in common. And the gift of writing I hope:)
My biggest fear is that I will never grow up. I had my first chance two years ago when I moved abroad but I failed miserably. The grown up life dose I was given was way too big for me to swallow and I ran back home, back to the safety of being someone's child. Now that I got all cosy and comfortable, it is too hard to leave the nest again, even harder because now I am not allowed to ask for my parents full support. It would be unacceptable. An adult version of me would have some solutions to offer but I am too scared to face life and people within it. I wish I would never had to deal with people again, except for the ones I trust and care about. And yet, to become truly mature and independent I will have to tolerate toxic behaviour at some point or at least thicken my skin against it. I don't care about the recession and the social inequality that will only be worsened by the pandemic. This might also be because I am incredibly privilleged but anyway. People scare me.
And there is another thing. A few days ago I turned twenty eight. So I see it also as a race against time because now there are only two years left until I become thirty. It will be ridiculous to be thirty and still live with my parents. I understand that by saying that I am being incredibly insensitive to people who are forced to do that. But I cannot accept it. I have been spoon-fed and supported my whole life. When will I finally become a normal grown up person?
Realize you have have based your purpose solely on intangible constructs. Take age for example, I don't argue against it but the way we perceive it. Is age years since your birth? Is age how much your genetic code has been tarnished since birth? Humanity doesn't accept neither explanation. This is why there are adolescent children stitching garments and assembling circuits and this is why the less productive elderly enjoy secured incomes for alleged labor. So you too need to dismiss your percept of age and more importantly you need to not base your life goals on that percept.
BeantwoordenVerwijderenYou will flee your tightening comfort eventually to realize that this is not what you have been after. What you are after is to be unloaded of all these constructs. Save yourself time and break free now.
I agree with you. But reaching the end of a decade is also a wake up call that life will end some day. Eventually we will grow old and we will not have the energy and quick thinking of a young person. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what old age will look like when I discover more white hair. And I know that it is never too late to chase your dreams but what if someones dream is to become a mother and they are already in menopause?It is still possible thanks to science but it may never happen. Maybe people are worried when they approach a new decade because they are programmed by biology to do so.
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