Pandemic journal

 About a week ago, I was on a football field enjoying a quarantine-approved run with another organism. Here I have to mention that the word "enjoy" is not very accurate. Actually, because I am horribly out of shape, running felt like torture and I quickly dropped out. Meanwhile, the other organism kept on sprinting. Once again, I felt defeated. How can some beings have so much will to live that they dedicate their effort to something as horrible as running? But the final blow came later when it started raining and we had to shield beneath a shed. I noticed that despite the rain, a young creature remained on the field, kicking a football joyfully. The little rascal...If only I could absorb all that energy, all that enthusiasm...This youngling will probably wake up in the morning and immediately jump our of bed ready to laugh and play. Instead, I will wake up exhausted thinking that I am about to experience Groundhog Day again. But enough self-loathing. It is time to go to bed....

 Another day spent doing the bare minimum. The goals I had set for today were postponed yet again. By me,of course. This is so frustrating. I can't go on like this sabotaging myself. The truth is,not only am I regretting wasting my time on social media but losing my younger self as well. If I compare my way of thinking with that of five years ago,there is a notable shift from a carefree,brave and spontaneous person to a more reserved,careful and hesitant one. Every decision I make I later reject,filled with self-doubt and shame at my every thought. Even this text is now being written on a piece of paper full of smudged words. Even trying to articulate my own feelings seems like a difficult task,this is how much I am being slowed down by overthinking. Enough complaining,tomorrow will be different. This is a promise to the Pandemic journal,I will not let myself be defeated by my negative thoughts.

 The purpose of these entries is to reflect on my thoughts and actions that lead me to see myself as a failure. Lately my motivation has plumeted and I am not as productive as one month ago. There are multiple reasons for that:the pandemic fatigue,the lack of quality time with my friends,the inability to focus on the matter in hand and my addiction to social media. If only I could snap out of it and eliminate the sluggishness and daily procrastination that is getting in the way of becoming a better version of  myself...I hate wasting all these days rotting in front of a computer or a smartphone,absorbing all kinds of meaningless content. I am in desperate need of something to save me from the circle of boredom and disappointment,something to motivate me and get my creative juices flowing.I hope the Pandemic journal is that something.