Coming of age

 As it is obvious from the other posts, I am having a very difficult time. During my last visit to the therapist I declared that I do not wish to become an adult, that I prefer to never grow up and always live happy and carefree, doing things that fill me with joy. Being an adult seemed so pointless and unpleasant. Why would I want to choose that? But as days are passing by I realise that it is impossible to always be happy and without worries. Also, as a child you must give the power to others to decide about your life and future. Not to mention that there will probably be no future if one does not learn how to be independent. To be honest, I am very scared of life and the potential pain it will bring.

But as I look back on my past life there is a distinct pattern. Whenever I succeeded at something it was always the product of hard work and suffering. The year of the finals was hard and stressful, followed by a weird summer when I was the only one from my group not allowed to go on vacation with my friends. And yet I got into university and studied my number one choice. The year before I went to study in the Netherlands I was very isolated because all of my friends went either abroad or to their hometowns. It was so lonely and there was literally nothing in my life to lift me up or motivate me. And yet I managed to finish my degree and was admitted to whatever program I applied to.

Time has gone by and I have learned to be more open to other people. Nobody has to go through hardship alone. There is always someone to care or offer their wisdom. Shared pain is lessened. But nobody can escape pain and suffering, it is futile. I no longer wish to escape it. In fact, I want to accept and embrace it.